True Life: My Chipotle Order is Borderline Illegal - and I get it every time (Part 1)

Every Ass Morning In June: a daily ongoing stream of cawnsciousness (Day 26)

A million things changed after 2020. Stars were born, movements were started, and technology advanced. There is one post-2020 innovation that, though it arrived quietly, changed my life more than any other.

The quesadilla was officially added to the Chipotle menu on March 11th of 2021. According to the company’s press release, it’s a “Hand-Crafted Quesadilla” and it’s a “digital-only” menu item, meaning it can only be ordered online. I think I remember the announcement, people on Tik Tok showing off their quesadillas, but it wasn’t front page news. I believe that was by design, because I don’t think Chipotle actually wants you to order a quesadilla. Digital-only. Those are the key words here.

Like most people, my Chipotle career began in high school. I’d go with my brothers on weeknights when mom said you’re on your own for dinner. My friends and I would carpool there wearing sweatpants and then fill our free water cups up with Mr. Pibb because they didn’t have Dr. Pepper. My order has always been the same: a quesadilla and a side of chips and guac. Early on, I got the tacos a few times. That was before I knew that I could just say, “Hi, can I please get a cheese quesadilla?” And they’d make it. It was a big sloppy thing that you could tell most workers would make up on the spot. I’ve taken many a Chipotle worker’s quesadilla virginity. While it’s hard to fuck up a huge tortilla with a bunch of shredded Monterey Jack cheese, I’ve encountered some devastating attempts. I never complained, though, because what they were doing for me was illicit. It would’ve been like yelling at the guy in my science class who sold me pot.

It used to be that quesadillas were only available if it was part of the kids menu. If it had been adult-sized, I would’ve marched in there with a coloring book and ordered off the kids menu each time. So the quesadilla was always kind of a plea, something you’d order with your fingers crossed behind your back, praying. 8/10 times the worker made it for me, but occasionally there was someone who wouldn’t comply. It took me years to understand why.

Quesadillas are a waiting game. They’re half cheese, a quarter tortilla, and a quarter patience (100% love!).

Hello! I hope you’re enjoying this piece about my sordid past with Chipotle quesadillas! I’ve hit my 11:59 p.m. deadline and must pick this up later! Adios!